Dream Kitten

2011-01-16T11:40:00.004Z

'I can't really post on the board - hey! anyone want to come to a fake dark railway carriage with me and grope each other, it's just not the done thing...'

Hello 2011, I bring you a great thing out of context that my friend just said to me via google chat. How the devil are you all? I'm still alive, lots to tell you but because I'm desperate(ly enigmatic and mysterious) you'll just have to guess what it all is!

Happy new year!

2010-03-27T16:00:00.003Z

For my birthday my best friend, Rosie bought me a subscription to a famous dating site that you have to pay actual real life money for. And blow me down, someone on this site wants to meet me in actual real life. YIKES. Help. So wasn't prepared for that. What happened to the rejection or sexual perversion? Usual occurrence fail! This guy is 35, bald, normal looking and makes science books for schools. He does seem nice though. And he once ran in front of a car to save a squirrel so you know, that pretty much means my hands are tied. I have to meet him.

However, over on the free dating site with the perverts and the arty types I am chatting to several people; a 20 yr old guy studying animation at Birmingham uni who says 'lol' after every sentence and claims he just wants to make new friends (this isn't my experience of 20 yr olds so I'll fill you in), a guy with a thick neck and tattoos who winked at me, a guy who has a pug in his profile pic but isn't appealing in any other way apart from his dog and the actual only one I'm interested in - a beautiful fragile looking Portuguese man in London who sent me a poem and draws and photographs. I have a nasty feeling, he is 'my type' - ie) he's a self-obsessed and screwed up artist, I will fall hopelessly in love with him and it will all end in PAIN. Can't wait.

2010-03-22T16:29:00.006Z

Panda Boy flees & flatulence will get you no where

OK, so I continue to have no luck whatsoever on the dating site front and because I no longer partake in self mutilation, it has occurred to me that maybe I am fulfilling a self-torture need by staying on these sites to be rejected more. Whatever, it passes the time whilst the real person I am interested in ignores me.

I was chatting quite nicely with one guy who I will refer to as Panda Boy on account of the fact he is wearing a t-shirt with a panda on in his profile pic which is why I contacted him and because we had a running innuendo going about male pandas and their bamboo. He seemed nice and funny and kinda self-deprecating which is always appealing to me. It was all going along pleasantly until I realised that he hadn't actually said anything particularly romantic or suggestive to me, we were just making jokes about pandas back and forth. I thought I'd step it up a notch when he complained about no one fancying him by saying that he shouldn't worry cos he was cute. Suddenly the messages stopped and a day or so later I got one of those awful 'letting you down gently' messages about how he had just seen his ex in the street and he had decided he was still messed up and shouldn't pursue another relationship until he was sorted out etc etc.

The intense terror at what I may have been suggesting by my innocent compliment is sadly familiar to me. It is not the first time I have been dumped by someone I wasn't asking out or involved with. I emailed him back to tell him I think it's always a great idea to do work on yourself in counselling so that you don't take the same baggage and patterns into your next relationship and screw the next person up. He sent me back a cartoon of a lion. After this you would presume that he would delete his account and go off to analysis but of course, it was all total bullshit based on him not wanting to be involved with me personally cos he's still online and still available. Maybe in a few months I'll email him and ask him how his self growth is going and whether the intense work he did on himself in therapy was effective...

On the plus side, I did get this message today from a 40 year old in Oxford:

'Hi, I hope you don't mind me asking i have an unusual question.....my intention isn't to offend I'm just curious what you'd do. If you was really attracted to a guy really liked him but he told you he was submissive........and asked you to sit on his face and break wind would you do it?'

Someone kill me.

2010-03-15T15:52:00.002Z

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fdad05b8c7/2-girls-1-cup-song-from-jon-lajoie?rel=player

Hey, the poop guy's gone but I did see this video which has reminded me of the wonderful moments we spent together. xx

2010-02-19T11:06:00.002Z

The poop guy's back. Messaged me this morning:
Poop Guy: 'wow, I'd eat your poop if you ordered me to'.
Me: 'so you keep telling me'
Him: 'Oh sorry, I didn't realise I'd told you so many times'
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Faeces fetishists have to say sorry a lot I imagine.

2010-02-19T09:22:00.008Z

Three Cross-Dressers & A 23 Year Old

When I first started internet dating I mistakenly thought you had to treat people with respect and care about their feelings. This isn't the case, as I have discovered by being ceremoniously ignored by people I thought seemed appealing and sent messages to. This is why I have found myself in contact with three cross dressers that I wouldn't have replied to had they been men with no desire to wear a dress of a Friday night and one 23 year old who is clearly insane.

Something about me screamed 'person who'd understand' at the three cross-dressers that contacted me. And in many respects they were right cos I love a man in a dress and make up as much as the next woman, just so long as the dress in question isn't a twin set from M&S. All three of the men who contacted me were middle-aged men who appeared to be wearing their dead mother's clothes. Or someone else's dead mother's clothes from Oxfam. Because I didn't want any of them to think I wasn't replying to them because of disgust for their lifestyle choice I now inadvertantly have 3 middle-aged cross dressing men as pen pals - Wendy, Yvonne and Paula. Wendy wants to know what I'm thinking all the time cos my profile picture makes me look 'lost in thought', I tell him that I'm thinking of love gone by, actually I'm thinking of a documentary I once saw about a woman who became like a mother to a community of cross dressing men and gave them fashion advice and threw wig parties and advised them on make up and relationships. I am wondering if I am a few stilletoed men away from becoming her myself.

Oh and the 23 year old. Here's how it went:
Him: 'hello, I'm not very confident, I don't usually contact people but I had to contact you, etc etc'
Me: oh what a shame, he's too young for me but he's not very confident so I'd better not ignore him 'hello, you're really sweet but I'm looking for someone more in their early thirties'
Him; 'oh how HILARIOUS, you think I want to DATE you! No no no no no no no NO. I don't want to in the slightest, I'm so amused that you thought this'
Me: 'um, sorry - I don't normally go around assuming men want to date me, quite the opposite but what with this being a dating site and all I misunderstood your message'
Him: 'Oh this is so funny cos you thought I wanted to date you and I don't, I mean you're THIRTY, ha ha ha ha, no way'
Me: 'thanks, keep telling me you don't want to date me, I'm enjoying it, it's like not being on a dating site and just being me in the world as I was anyway'
Him: 'ha ha ha ha ha, I so don't want to date you, I can't believe you thought that...anyway, would you like to go for a drink next week?'
Me: 'Oh go on then, you've pursuaded me...I mean, NO, no I really don't'

That's the last time I worry about anyone else's feelings ever again. Welcome to the new dawn of me online dating with no heart whatsoever. I'm going to be brutal. (It was suggested to me that I should have arranged to meet up with the 23 year old, not turned up and then messaged him to say 'oh you thought when I arranged to meet you that I wanted to MEET YOU? Ha ha ha, I can't believe you thought that, I so don't....' Wish I'd thought of this.)

2010-02-13T14:13:00.002Z

Foreys into internet dating 2010. I don't hold out much hope but I must fill this silence whilst I am being globally ignored somehow, plus I need material for poetry....here are two very different examples of the kind of messages a girl like me gets on dating sites from men. Who should I reply to?

This is William, 41, from New York, a Christian and in the Military.

'Hello how are you today? and how about your health? hope you are doing well, My Name Is William I am looking for a very pretty woman of love, caring, honest, matured, understanding, and of good character, then after going to your profile on this site i picked interest in you, so i will like you to know you better ...I'm looking for a relationship built on trust, love, communication, andhappiness. I want to grow old with someone I understand how a true relationship supposes to work. I know that nothing is perfect but there is a right and wrong way to love someone. I am also a simple person...i will like to hear from you soon William'

And from yes-its-me, 37, from London.

'wow.........i'd eat your poop if you ordered me too.'

It's a tough call....

2008-03-21T19:21:00.002Z

Today I was feeling about as attractive as a turd with a fungal infection and was keeping my head down as I attempted to find clothes that fit my small, mishapen body when a guy serving me in one shop said
'you're looking very cool today' to which I said,
'thanks' and he said again
'very cool'
so I said
'thank you' again and he said
'where are you going?'
and I said
'home'
and he burst out laughing, shaking his head like this was ridiculous, like someone who looked like me should never go home, ever.
If anyone is interested in copying my unique and very cool style I should tell you that I was wearing a faded black skirt that I recently ripped twice and haven't repaired very well and a black hoody and was carrying a primark bag. My hair is about 8 years over due for a cut and dye and my eye make up was half way down my face due to rain. I was also limping as I seem to have developed arthritis in my old age.

Which brings me on to those tediously dull articles that you sometimes get in magazines where they stop people on the street and ask them where they got their clothes from. I find this such a ridiculously uninteresting concept that I feel compelled to read all these articles very carefully, a bit like how you can't help staring a car crash as you drive by even if it happen 4 hours ago and there is nothing left to see. I think what I'm waiting to read is someone saying, 'I can't actually remember where I got this from because it's just an item of clothing and doesn't mean that much to me in the grand scheme of life and if it doesn't matter to me - the person wearing it - then by god, why does it matter to you?' I find fashion so boring and ugly at the moment that I fail to see how anyone can get excited about shopping. The look at the moment seems to be a combination of bag lady, granny and the worse bits of the 80's and the 90's all together. Everyone looks a total state. Next time you are on your local high street, count the number of girls wearing a woollen granny hat and wonder how after many years of evolution and progress and youth being the ultimately worshipped ideal, how my friends, it came to this.....

2008-03-18T20:58:00.003Z

Hello world, you thought you'd never hear from me again and unfortunately you were wrong. I'm back to blog and this time it's personal. I'm now 29, as of last week. I don't really care about this much but apparently it is quite conventional and normal and in fact, highly recommended by society, the media and like, history that you should get married, get a mortgage, earn a salary in double figures and produce some babies around this time before your eggs shrivel up and die of loneliness and malfunction. In the year since I last blogged I have been concentrating hard on not doing any of these things and I think my hard work has paid off. Here's a small run down of last years events..........I watched some films, developed arthritis of the brain, joined a band, left a band, wrote some poems, did some singing in the kitchen, wrote a verse of a song, walked in the countryside, watched people cry, listened to people talk, got a certificate or two to say I could do this some more if I wanted to, wrote a journal about this, read a some books, got a different job - I am trapped, joined an online dating site by mistake, left an online dating site because it is hell on earth, I went to a castle, I went to the sea, picked up a heart shaped pebble, thought to myself 'I know just the person I should give this to', didn't give it to them, watched some gigs, watched some relationship sagas unfold in front of me, I went back onto medication, back into therapy, that didn't work out, my counsellor suggested I go salsa dancing so I sacked her and went mad, I smashed my acr up a little, I took some photos, one of which was in an exhibition recently, I hired a personal trainer but have found that I am still fat, I don't think my personal trainer understands me as a concept, I changed my diet about 86 times but have found that my skin still itches and my back still hurts, my best friend is going travelling for a couple of months next week, I am going to concentrate on my career - a bit like when your marriage ends, my career is as a professional loner. Not really, well slightly - my career is going to be me as a highly creative person who doesn't have to look after other people all the time, I am going to buy a guitar and write the next verse of my song, by 2025 I will have got to the middle 8. I have done several other things too but they aren't important.

2007-03-13T00:45:00.000Z

So, hands up who forgot it was my birthday this weekend? Yep, you know who you are. Slaps wrists all round. Actually, thanks to the wonderful world of Myspace loads of people were alerted to this great event and I had complete strangers wishing me a happy birthday literally in the street because of this. Random. This year so far has been weird, I haven't posted since January cos of many things - health trouble, boy trouble, band trouble, depression trouble, lack of news trouble (although as R always says 'you ALWAYS have so many hilarious tales to tell everytime I speak to you'). I got offered a new job, I think I'm turning it down tomorrow - it would mean money and responsibility and probably a self esteem boost. I'm only little, I can't cope with these things yet. God, I'm only 28. Next they'll be expecting me to buy a house, get married and have children. F**k that.

Anyhoo, big news 2007; I joined a band or a band joined me, I don't know which it is. I haven't done any kind of music since 2001. It is weird. I realise that I am essentially really lazy. I turn up each week to band practice having done nothing inbetween and they expect me to start singing. WOAH. I have been retired for 6 years - take it easy on me. The first few weeks they found my singing off the top of my head thing amusing but you can't keep singing about rabid cocks and beans on toast forever. Oneday you need to commit to an emotional theme and actual sentences and go with it. Last week I wrote an actual verse with music and played it to my band, they sat there with their mouths open afterwards. Those 4 lines said more about my current mental state than a years psychoanalysis, I'm not sure they were ready for it. A bit like bringing your therapist on your second date to fill your new boyfriend in on your general issues. A bit like that second date also being at the colonic irrigation clinic. Oh well, maybe they just couldn't believe how shit I am at playing the guitar. Probably the latter. I love my new bandmates tho - they rule. We all have vaginas - it's going to be brilliant, if I can just write a second verse.

2007-01-04T16:52:00.000Z

Happy New Year, Dream Kittens Everywhere

This year I am bringing crazy back - I have already started as I mean to go on. With much gin, lesbinaism and being chased out of a party by a crazed American girl screaming 'fuck off out of my house you little whore' or words to that effect. It was the best new year I'd had in ages. How was everyone elses? I had a crap Christmas though and was thoroughly relieved it was over - went to Leciester, city of my goth-stalking days and stayed in my grandmother's freezing cold, dusty house. Only good thing about Christmas was my brother giving me GnR Greatest Hits and being able to rock out to all the memories on every car journey I have been on since. (Incidentily GnR almost got me arrested last year when A, M and me drove out to a secluded spot we like by the gas works in town and spent a steamy hour trying to record Sweet Child O Mine into A's phone so that when I call her she will hear me singing our fav GnR tune. The recording session was proving more difficult than we'd anticipated - A's phone kept making me sound like Barry White, it was all very funny until the Police turned up, told me we were trespassing and proceeded to search my car for drugs - what are the chances?! They didn't find any because I don't tend to store narcotics in my glove compartment. M had an ounce of something or other on him but for some reason they weren't concerned with our actual bodies so let us go). That's it for today, I have stuff on my mind I am trying to avoid thinking about and the time has come to stop writing this and deal with it. Hope everyone is happy and stuff - see you all soon.

2006-12-04T20:22:00.000Z

Fame (kind of) At Last

As a joke, my brother was given a crap low budget video for his birthday a few weeks back called 'Oxfordshire Ghosts' made by a guy called Richard Felix. It looked like it was going to be rubbish but it was - excelling itself in bad film making and lack of self awareness. Felix is a man in a black suit who, considering he claims to work for Most Haunted on Living TV, has no idea about the art of film making and speaking on camera. He talks so exceptionally slowly and with such weighted pauses for (lack of) dramatic effect that years pass and you realise that you have died of old age and have come back to haunt the living and he is still on his video introduction! At the end of each segment he freezes, staring at the camera like he's fallen into a coma until the cameraman remembers that he is supposed to pan away at the end of each part and shakily moves to focus on a bit of floor or wall. You can tell Felix is making the script up as he goes along and that his research has consisted of asking a few locals if they've ever seen a ghost. Now lets face it, when you ask this question it's a bit like asking if you've ever been on a reality TV show i.e - who hasn't?!. We don't actually see a ghost on the video, despite the suspense-building crap classical music but we do see Felix's arse climbing some stairs, a haunted toilet, a gate outside Oxford Airport and shockingly, a grave yard (who'd have thought it - on a ghost video...). This graveyard is 2 mins away from my shop and I have often sat in it amongst the discarded syringes and used condoms and contemplated my life (the syringes came in useful here). Felix tells us that apparently there is a ghost of a woman who walks around shaking her head in this graveyard....I can't bring myself to break it to him that this could be me (see life pondering above for explanation).

I was finding Felix's commentary and lack of camera awareness so funny (at one point he interviews two people in a hotel bedroom half a mile away from the camera and actually manages to stand right in front of one of his interviewees so you have no idea what she looks like, the other interviewee hides behind a wardrobe - I have seen better presenting skills at the junior school I used to work at on show and tell day) that I was almost crying with laughter when all of a sudden we noticed something familiar about the setting of his final haunting. 'I am standing inside one of only two haunted phone boxes in the UK' Felix tells us as he stands inside the phonebox at the top of my lane. 'Oh my god - that's our village!' my brother says, 'fuck'. We sit stunned as Felix tells us that this phone box has been known to ring in the dead of the night and those who have answered it have received a 'ghostly message' and have been traumatised for life. Now as anyone who has been to my house will know, I don't exactly live in the throbbing centre of civilization. Here is not where the action is, here is a small hamlet that barely features on the map, doesn't even have an original name and no one has ever heard of it. If you search for my village on multi map or wherever it doesn't recognize it or gives you a map of a straight line through some fields. It is not really a place that exists - so to be featured on any kind of video, no matter how crap is pretty amazing and to actually have something notable here is surprising to say the least. Although it did cross my mind that the most surprising thing in this story is mostly that if this phone does ring in the dead of the night - who the hell is it that answers it? There are about 3 people here and they barely go out in the daytime. Spooky...Someone must of though and this person must have reported this experience to the ghost hunting world and Richard Felix (a Derby man) saw fit to come all the way down here in 2003 to stroke the phone boxes shiny BT walls. Since the pub closed down, the phone box is the only actual feature of the village. My friend and I used to go and call people we fancied from school on it when we were about 12 and try and get their parents to accept reverse charge calls - had we known it was haunted I think we would have probably stayed the hell away (perhaps the ghostly phone calls are these boy's parents ringing us back demanding we leave them the fuck alone) none of them ever did accept our reverse charge calls....Tonight I drove past the phone box slowly, looking at it with new eyes and I had to admit, Felix has a point - it is a scary phone box - mostly because it seems so out of place - there is nothing else here. I wonder who it was that decided we needed one - perhaps it was a psychic medium workign for the phone company who knew that this precise point could be a direct line to the spirit world.

So there you have it, ghostly goings on seconds from my house. The scariest thing out of all of this however, is that Richard Felix, who has the cold dead eyes of a serial molester has been within metres of my front door. Shudder. To get your local Felix ghost tour video/DVD - go to Ghost DVDs and enjoy, you'll laugh, you'll cry - you won't be scared in the slightest, well maybe by the wobbly camera work but not by the content and you never know, maybe the post box at the end of your road has a ghost in it. Or your garage or your left shoe or your toaster.

2006-11-27T19:18:00.000Z

I'm so bored I could vomit out my brains and then eat them and then vomit them out again and then...you get my drift. Today I have been tearing stuff off my walls and ruthlessly throwing cds out - I thought I had some great music in my cd collection but last night my eye fell upon a Linkin Park album and things have not been going well since. I blame university, I aquired a worrying amount of nu metal whilst I was there. I could try and console myself with the fact that this was 1998-2001 and the beginning of the genre and it probably seemed cool and edgy at the time but I don't know if I believe myself. So now I have detoxed my music collection of nu metal and I have a large box containing aforementioned L****n P**k cd, Papa Roach, Lostprophets etc etc and I will go and distribute them amoungst the homeless tomorrow. Or something, I don't really know what. The good news is that I have never purchased anything that Fred Durst has been involved in so I'm not totally unsavable.

So did everyone see Courtney Love on Jonothan Ross on Friday? I caught most of it after stumbling in from an evening out - I think she was pretty marvelous, a true survivor. She was more or less together and coherent and intelligent. I loved the fact she admits she still falls for troubled, artistic men that are a mess. Join the fucking club...I was hoping to grow out of it but if Courtney Love can't do it then I sure as hell won't! JC however was an arsehole, as always - apparently before the show Juliette Lewis invited him to her gig the next day but after he'd been interviewed and was a total tit about Americans and the environment and all that bollocks no one backstage spoke to him so he figured the gig offer was off. I can't type his actual name cos my good friend works for him and gave me this info confidentially and don't want to get her into trouble but you all know who I'm talking about.

Have just finished listening to Sharon Osbourne reading her autobiography on audio cd. Not something I would have purchased myself but my brother works in a bookshop and gets lots of freebies - now there's another woman who's lived a life. I must bloody do something with my life, I do try but things always come to a full stop after a while. I'm doing a course at the moment, retraining again, but I had a confidence knock last week and now I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. I keep planning really interesting photography projects and then losing interest half way through. Agh. I think I may have attention deficit disorder. Attention deficit disorder but no nu metal cds on display - horah. Any ideas for a life/career change, you know where to write it...

2006-11-14T13:44:00.000Z

Raining. Nothing happening. Send events. Stop.

So I was going to leave retail before Christmas but then I didn't get around to it so here I am yet again wrapping up Christmas decs for people and pretending to be impressed when people say to me proudly after purchasing something 'well, that's all my Christmas shopping done!' and then look at me expectantly for fucks knows what really - a mexican wave? A round of applause? A celebratory hug? I mean really, is it really something to be proud of? I would probably rate saving a kitten's life or travelling to Africa to build mud huts for orphened swans or organsing your underwear drawer more highly than completing your Christmas shopping at the start of November. But we are a deluded brain washed society with our priorities all scuwiff. My pet peeve with Christmas shoppers at the moment is not simply that they exist at all but the sheer amount of plastic bags they use. It seems to be a regular thing that not only will people say they would like a bag when you ask them, despite clearly carrying about a dozen others but that they would also like some spare bags to put the items they have just bought in and give to people as presents. This is amazing on two levels - the first being that environmentally this is shockingly careless and ignorant and secondly - that they think a shop plastic carrier bag is actually special enough to use as a gift bag for someone! I feel that if you don't care about presentation that much then just give the gifts as they are or in newspaper. Hell, just drive by the recipiants house and fling said items at their front door covered in faeces, it amounts to the same message - I don't value you enough to warrent wrapping this for you nicely. A free environmentally damaging plastic bag is all you're worth to me. Happy Christmas.

By the way, I had to get rid of the fridge door cos people were starting to abuse it and be mean which is sad cos lots of your messages were really sweet and funny - thanks to everyone who wasn't an arsehole and used it for positive messages!

2006-10-18T15:22:00.001+01:00

Ok, let's get one thing straight. This 'Katy 4 Glyn' business you see above you is a work of fiction and delusion in the mind of Avril Lavigne obsessive and internet radio DJ, David and should not be taken seriously. I have not and never have had a thing for Glyn from last summer's Big Brother - quite the opposite in fact. So please, lets all move along now, there's nothing to see here...lets ignore the fact that David has concocted this little world in his head where I lust after teenage boys with thin heads who don't know how to look after themselves or boil an egg, let's wipe this from our brains and pretend it never happened! And if anyone is interested, being able to turn on a washing machine and make toast without calling your mother for advice is very high up on my list of preferences in a human. If this applies to you and you are available, phone numbers to the usual address please.

For those of you not already in the know, which is probably most of you - the extremely lovely Paul and David do a radio show on UK Nova Radio (Tuesdays 7-9), it is a hilarious mix of genre-spanning tunes and chat with the occasional bit of live music in the form of David on guitar and Paul on vocals and laughter thrown in for good measure. A few days ago David asked me which song I would like dedicated to me this week which is cool and very sweet. Usually they are happy to play anything but this week I couldn't think of anything so I suggested that David play something he thought suitable for me based on what he knows about me and lo and behold last night I was very honoured to be the first record played! Very honoured that is until the opening bars of Whitesnake's 'Here I Go Again' kicks in. Now don't get me wrong - I love 80's rock as much as the next woman, heck - I was even in a band once that got reviewed as an 80's throwback band which went down very well at the time but this particular track is about someone who spends their life alone, walking alone in fact down a road they've always known...let's check out those lyrics for ourselves...

'And here I go again on my own,
Goin down the only road I've ever known,
Like a hobo* I was born to walk alone...'

Excellent, thanks David - based on what you know about me you think that this sad tale just about sums it up! It's the vote of confidence a permantly single girl needs. Oh and what's this? You have just told everyone live on air that I love Glyn off Big Brother too? Embassador, with this musical dedication you are really spoiling me! Tune in to Paul and David's show next week when David will dedicate 'Who Let The Dogs Out' to me and tell everyone about the time I accidentily exposed myself to my swimming teacher.

*Fact fans may like to know that in the 1987 version of this track, this word was changed to 'drifter' for fear of anyone thinking Whitesnake singer, David Coverdale was singing 'homo'. Honestly...

2006-10-15T21:00:00.000+01:00

People spend a lot of time trying to enjoy their lives and finding the secret to happiness, having given up on this I like to give myself credit for simply surviving. Three cheers, me.

2006-10-15T20:56:00.000+01:00

I go to a lot of weddings each year for work so I have to survive God on a regular basis. I think to myself during the service - if I can just get through the vows without slashing my wrists I'll be 3 degrees stronger than before.

2006-10-15T20:52:00.000+01:00

Back in 5 milleniums

2006-10-15T20:47:00.000+01:00

Magic in a cup

2006-10-01T21:53:00.000+01:00

I'm changing a few things around here

Look! My photos have gone! The 'Make Poverty History' Banner has gone (I think Bob's sorted all that out now so we don't need to worry anymore) which I'm sure you're devastated about and most importantly - the music section has gone cos man, those links were old! I will replace it soon with something a bit more up to date and by that I don't neccesarily mean I am going to start linking to bands like Razorlight and The Klaxons, if I do this - be sure to wait for me in a bush with a sniper gun and put me out of my misery, I simply mean I will hopefully just link to current stuff I'm actually listening to. I'm not really sure I understand why I think you people out there in Cyberspace give two craps about what I'm listening to but it seems to be what us bloggers do. Speaking of Razorlight, have I ever mentioned my intense hatred of them to you before? It all started whenever they were born and has gone on from there. It's funny how that happens, some bands are just not your thing or don't interest you and that's about it. Some bands however, cause such a physical reaction in you that you have to wonder if they didn't once attack you in a dark alley, steal all your clothes and give you a nasty disease and you were so traumatised that you blanked the experience out but the feelings and a vague sense of who they're directed at remain...but I digress. Oh yes, changes to my blog...music etc. I will post some more things soon and try and replace those hideously old photos with something more current too. God, maybe I'll even change the name again - or the colours - maybe I'll get in touch with Satan and see if she fancies blogging again. What do you think? I was touched by Phill (hello!) emailing me last week or the week before for advice from Satan and to make a confession, that brought back memories. His confession truly was shocking and filthy and amoung the worst I've ever heard. It was almost beyond my Satanic powers of recovery, but I think I helped the best I could and definitely enjoyed getting back into my old shoes and getting my horns out again. It's been too long. All those in favour of Satan's problem page returning, please scream 'I hate Razorlight' after the tone....see you guys soon with newness!

2006-09-27T16:56:00.000+01:00

I think I may have actually died.

There is nothing to say - the past few weeks I have photographed a thousand weddings smiling on the outside, numb on the inside, crying at the back of the church each time. Also I was in charge of the shop for 3 weeks whilst Kate was in India, during my reign as head shop girl monarch type person we were robbed, I realised I hated one of my work colleagues so much that I could actually kill her, one half of the shop collapsed because of paranormal activities (we have a shop ghost who really really doesn't like me in particular)and I accidentily signed away a lot of my bosses' money to someone is a fit of stress and unclarity. Then bizarrely, I got head hunted by some posh furniture sellers but seeing as I am trying to get out of retail and away from rich people trying to haggle me down on the price of a cheap Indian sideboard they could afford ten times over every fecking day of my life, I wasn't tempted. All in all - it hasn't been a great few weeks and I realise that I have also lost contact with everyone I once loved, or at least they've lost contact with me, I can't tell which it is. I don't know if there is anything left to talk about really.

I think I may have actually died.

2006-08-09T21:27:00.001+01:00

A recurrent pattern for maths fans to ponder..........

* You are alone, no one likes you for ages
* Someone likes you
* You aren't sure about them because you have been alone for ages and don't really know what you're doing/if you can trust them cos you have been really hurt before
* They really like you and pursue you a bit
* You are scared - what do they want from you? Do they want a relationship? You don't know if you can cope with that, what if you don't live up to their high expectations? What if everyone they have loved before is much, much better? What could they possibly want you for, after all they hardly know you, when they get to know you, surely they will leave like everyone else...you back off
* But they seem really keen, perhaps you could just give it a go, it could really help you overcome all of the above, after all you can't be alone forever...
* You start to warm to the idea, you start to like them a lot, maybe they could be the one? Maybe you can do this after all...
* You give in to their advances a bit, you start to say nice things, things that suggest you like them and want to see them
* You start to really like them, thank god - at last! Normal positive emotions! You are saved! Someone loves you!
* Something is wrong, they start to not return your calls, they stop telling your friends they love you and you're amazing, they back the hell off, you ask their friends where they are, they say they don't know
* You start to pursue them, you don't understand...they said they really liked/love you? Where are they? What's wrong?
* They disappear completely
* You feel like an idiot for thinking someone could actually be interested in you, YOU - ha! What were you thinking, have you seen you recently?! Well you won't make the same mistake twice/three times/more than a dozen times in one life time, that's it - you're done with love, it can fuck off...
* You are alone, no one likes you for ages...(Repeat cycle indefinitely for the rest of your life)

2006-07-18T23:07:00.000+01:00

There are certain roles in life we end up assuming on a regular basis. These roles may actually be highly exaggerated or even artificial parts of ourselves that exist to prevent the real us from being revealed and ridiculed. A role I have been playing for years has been that of the joker which compared to how I feel most of the time is quite a role reversal. All too often I feel pressure to take on this role of 'provider of jokes and smut' because people expect it and rely on it, whenever life gets too serious, quick get in there and save us all! I think it's as much to save me from the despair I feel when the world seems bleak, as anything else. This role was decided for me a long time ago. One person who always relies on me for this is my best friend R, she always bigs me up to her friends who haven’t met me and asks me to come to things so I can make her and everyone else laugh with my stories of the time a goth threw up on me or the time I did a porno shoot in my bathroom or the time I beat up the milky bar kid. It’s very flattering but sometimes exhausting. Anyway, such a time occurred on Saturday when we went out for R's birthday. Muchos wine was consumed on my part to make up for the fact that I really didn’t feel like being that girl but I knew I would have to be and also to compensate for what at first felt like rather conservative company. Didn’t take long for the rebel inside me that likes to shake things up a bit and test people to their natural limits started to rouse itself as the very sweet girl next to me started to tell me about her garden and how they'd spent all afternoon clearing...ok, I have to stop there with the description of her gardening cos it's too boring but you get the gist. We were in some Thai place that comes highly recommended - I am ignorant of any food that isn't chocolate and was letting everyone else order for me until my eye fell upon the 'Sticky Rice' option on the menu. This is when I saw R looking expectantly at me and sighed internally, 'I wonder how they make that...?' I pondered to the table, R flashes E a 'here we go, Katy's back' kinda glance and normal service is resumed (‘I think they use some sort of glaze…’ sweet girl next to me offers). Then when it arrived in a small, heated bag resembling a condom and was in the shape of a perfect bottom I was like Homer in chocolate land...R breathed a sigh of relief, she later told me she had been worried about me cos she relies on me for entertainment and ice breaking and I had been quite quiet at the start of the evening. However after an evening of being the filthy clown of smut, telling my various Top Ten hilarious moments of Katy's sad life as hand picked by R and attempting to lure R's straight female friend M into an intimate game of 'I know I'm a girl and you don't normally but you know you want to really' I felt I had earnt my wage for the night. Especially when afforementioned quite sexy straight friend who looked and sounded a lot like Shirley Manson planted a kiss on my mouth (obviously lesbianism was beginning to appeal) at the end of the night followed by an invite to Glasgow to check out sticky rice up there any time I wanted to (r - 'You rock, you even managed to pull M!! ahahaha - next time I'm bringing F, she hates the thought of girl on girl'). I would have staggered home to bed happy had it not been pointed out after all my hard work that I was ‘just like Richard off of Big Brother’ GREAT. You know it might be time to tone down the sexual innuendo and suggestive comments when someone compares you to a 'sexual terrorist' everyone hates….yikes. I'm not a sexual terrorist, I just like to be held - will people please stop expecting me to be filthy and spank them?! Plus, can I help it if the other condom of sticky rice looked like a vagina ('what did she say?' chorused around the room, ' your rice' I repeated, 'it looks like a vagina', ‘I can‘t believe you just said that‘ - sweet girl next to me ‘oh for god‘s sake woman, get a life and a hand mirror‘ - me) - someone had to say it. Maybe taking the sticky rice arse to the pub with me afterwards was a step too far but R loved it and I love her and she's the only person's opinion I care about.

2006-06-29T22:48:00.000+01:00

This is the sort of thing that makes me almost interested in football, but then I get over it. It's the campest referee you'll ever see! Camp Referee. I'm not sure if it's for real but I really hope so! Enjoy.

2006-06-22T17:47:00.000+01:00

At last! You can now download a whole Nailbomb Cults album FOR FREE! Artwork and everything! Just released, 'Built??? Nailbomb Cults 2001-2004' is a collection of the best of the frantic musical attack on the senses that is Will Nailbomb. View it and download it here! Then check out the cats below....

2006-06-22T17:33:00.000+01:00

Cats that look like Hitler, anyone? Go on, you know you want to. That's made my day.

2006-06-11T22:22:00.000+01:00

People ask me when I will blog again. I just don't know is the answer, when life actually starts being funny again. Ok, here's something that was funny, Laura told me today over cocktails after work - each time you leave your make-up on when you fall asleep it adds 8 YEARS to you. Wow. Oh no, wait she got it wrong, we laughed a lot - it's 8 DAYS. Can you imagine if it was the former though?! Oneday you're young, light-footed and nimble, you leave your make-up on over night and when you awake - bang! Grey hair, wrinkles, you can't remember anything and when you sneeze you pee a little. Actually that's me now and I'm only 27. Bugger. Speaking of sneezing, I have become addicted to it, I just can't stop - I can't sleep at night cos I want to sneeze, I wake up early needing to sneeze - I sneeze many times before and on the way to work and sometimes I even sneeze infront of customers. It has taken over my life, it's getting harder and harder to diguise, I'm sure people are starting to talk. I wonder if there's a Sneezers Anonymous I could go to ('for those about to sneeze - STOP'). Anyway, it's destroying my life and seems to happen to me every year in the summer, it drains me and makes me really unattractive and snotty. If I don't get help soon I may never have children cos I will sneeze out my ovaries and plus no one will fancy me to inpregnate me in the first place because I look so horrendous. It's time for some action. It's either an addition to sneezing or hayfever, I can't decide.

2006-05-21T12:15:00.000+01:00

I was in a bad place last night and I don't mean Milton Keynes, but the one thing that did make me smile briefly was seeing that the Finland metal outfit, Lordi had won the Eurovision Song Contest. Sometimes the world looks like it may be improving, sometimes there is a flicker of hope that everything isn't just a string of random uncontrollable events that lead to great amounts of pain, maybe the world has a sense of humour after all.

I'm at work, listening to Aretha Franklin as rain lashes down outside....feeling tired, jaded and poetic. Hope everyone else is happy.

2006-05-20T23:04:00.000+01:00

Absolutely nothing makes any sense to me tonight.

2006-05-15T22:50:00.000+01:00

Hello world, you disappoint me. More on that later. I haven't posted in a while - this was purely a ploy to make it look like I have a really busy and exciting life. Ho ho ho, if only. No actually, I have been occupied with many things - mostly photographic. Firstly I must answer your pleas to know why that bastard customer called me disgraceful a few weeks back, well it was all over a piece of tissue paper would you believe?! Yes you heard me right, A PIECE OF TISSUE PAPER. But my friends, in my opinion it was a piece of tissue paper too far. I'm not going to explain further, it's really too dull but it was just one of thsoe bizarre retail situations that gets out of hand and I'm not standing for it anymore! I told him what I thought of him and there was a small scuffle, a gun shot went off, the police were called..hang on, I'm getting carried away - there were no guns (sadly, the shop owners knowing me and my fragile sanity, do not allow us to bring guns to work - the place would be a very different shop if they did cos well, I'd probably be in jail by now and not working there...but I digress) Speaking of anger managment, last week in what was possibly one of the greatest moments of my short life, I took on the Milky Bar Kid in a battle to the death in defense of 2 people I love! I think if you're going to have like one fight in your whole life and then spend the rest of the time being a pacifist and encouraging diplomacy and verbal conflict resolution, let that one fight be with the guy who used to be the Milky Bar Kid when he was 7. Maybe I have anger issues, maybe the ex MBK just chose the wrong time of the month to stand at the front of my brother's amazing headlining gig at the Cellar and openly mock him with offensive wanking gestures, beer throwing and booing, but to be honest seeing him push my friend Anna and call her a 'fat slut' would have riled me at any time of the month and I went for the bugger. I can't really remember much cos it was a bit of an out of body experience but apparently according to eye witnesses, I threw my drink complete with mammoth ice cubes in his face, pushed him to the floor and then set onto him like a crazed she-bitch before being dragged off him by my friend and being taken to the loo to calm down whilst screaming the words 'I don't need to calm down, I need to kill that bastard'. What a great experience. I can understand why people go out on a friday night looking for fights, the adrenalin rush was amazing. But seriously kids, don't use violence to solve issues - leave that for the politicians and terrorists.

I've seen some amazing films recently - for anyone who wants something to rent here's some suggestions.....

*****Me and You and Everyone We Know (a truly beautiful, vibrant, unique portrayal of two odd balls falling in love and all their various children, neighbours, friends etc - such a positive message and upbeat ending and makes you feel good about life)
***Happy Endings (starring the gorgeous Maggie Gyllenhaal, Lisa Kudrow, Steve Coogan - darkly funny, original, painful, brillinatly acted)
***Jarhead (if you were unsure about whether you fancied Jake Gyllenhaal or whether war is pointless and disgusting and if men don't need much encouragment to become arseholes in that situation then after watching this you will know that yes you do, yes it is and no they don't)
*****Inside I'm Dancing (so very very very life changing and funny, 2 disabled friends break away from the secure unit they live in to have the independence of their own house, it'll break your heart and make you think about things differently)
**The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (watch Marilyn Manson have sex with a small boy dressed as a woman - ok, so not actually - they couldn't have filmed it but that's what is happening, disturbing and raw)
*****Mysterious Skin (god, this was upsetting with it's scenes of child abuse and the rape of a rent boy but so well acted and such a departure in style for Joseph Gorden-Levitt who is best know for his roles in Third Rock From The Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You)

Ok, I have lots more to say but I'll leave you with this to be going on with. Sleep tight, kittens.

2006-04-28T23:35:00.000+01:00

A customer told me he thought I was disgraceful today. I guess I am, I mean not half as disgraceful as I'd like to be. In fact if I didn't spend so much time worrying about the consequences of things or what people think or what I look like I'd probably be disgraceful all the time.

2006-03-27T14:22:00.000+01:00

As I may or may not have mentioned a couple of zillion times, I was not supposed to spend my working life in a shop selling leather furniture to city dwelling academics and novelty aprons to students, there was a time when it was expected that I would do a drama degree and then become a working actress, playwright or something along those lines. When I was doing A Level Drama my teacher was a fromidable midget woman who struck fear into the hearts of many and reduced teenage girls to tears on a regular basis during each big production/exam piece/lesson/minute of the day. She, however, was not too horrible to me. I didn't technically like her too much but I think she liked me because I would quite often end up writing the plays we produced for our exams and doing extra bits like composing music and learning my lines on time. I wasn't doing any of this to please her, I just really loved it. So she fully expected me to go far I think, further at any rate than 10 miles down the road to a gift and home furnishing shop - where the most acting I do is pretending to give a crap every day when talking to customers about whether that lamp will look good in their art deco lounge or about the fact that the mirror they bought last Thursday smashed on Friday and disfigured their gerbil. I am not guessing that she expected more of me, I actually know she expected more because once a month she comes into my shop to buy a card and tells me. The first time it happened I was offended, it went a bit something like this..

Her: (In complete shock at seeing me behind counter of shop on a Saturday, 6 years after leaving school) 'Katy!'
Me: Hello Mrs X
Her: 'Do you work here? (Complete disgust)
Me: 'Yes, yes I do' (hangs head in mock shame)
Her: 'But...(struggling to understand)...you went to university, didn't you?'
Me: 'oh yes'
Her: 'And you finished your degree, did you not?'
Me: 'Yes I did'
Her: 'And now you're working here (in a shop)?!
Me: 'Yes I am. You aren't imagining it. I have a good drama degree from the third best Performing Arts university in the country and now I'm working in a shop - anyhoo, it's been a blast catching up but if you don't mind, I have to serve the next person....' (Mrs X leaves shaking her head in amazement)

Basically, we've had pretty much the same conversation every time she's been in over the past 2 years - except now instead of bewilderment, she looks at me with this sarcastic twinkle in her eye, like we have this great 'in joke' together about how disappointing and crap my life has been and how I haven't fufilled any of my potential by not actually having won an Oscar yet.

Last Saturday morning, almost directly after the whole Kiera Knightly thing, in walks Mrs X for her monthly dollop of self esteeem destruction. 'Still here, Katy?!' she chuckles to me, eyes laughing, eyebrows raised, voice scornful. 'Of course' I say to her, unblinking 'we don't close until 6, it would be irresponsible of me to leave sooner' and walk away. Next week I am going to go back to my old secondary school where she has taught for the past 15 years, walk confidently into the drama department, look amazed to see her and gasp with disgust,

'STILL HERE, MAUREEN?!'

Because, quite frankly, enough is enough. No one should have to be ridiculed on a regular basis by their teachers 9 years after leaving school!! It's just not how life is supposed to go. Anyway, what with all my acting training I should be able to get the tone and pitch spot on so she knows never to darken my (shop) doors again. Wish me luck.

2006-03-25T20:55:00.000Z

Today, into my small independent giftshop on a side road off the city centre of oxford, walked Hollywood starlet and Oscar-nominated Keira Knightly. As we gazed at her stunned and all agog, internally screaming 'Jesus Holy Christ on a crutch - a properly famous person who isn't Susie Dent from Countdown or the guy who used to play the doctor in Eastenders, or Anne Diamond but one who has just sat next to Jack Nicholson at the Oscars, starred in two films with Johnny Depp, snogged Orlando Bloom and was completely miscast in Bend It Like Beckham' - she proceeded to head straight for our fake flower section with her male companion and spent a short time playfully putting them behind his ear and generally messing about. Then as quickly as she had arrived in our meagre little unfamous lives, she left again. We didn't speak at first and then slowly, as the hugeness of what we had just witnessed dawned on us, the garbled sentences came out of our mouths, tumbling in uncertain torrents of confusion and excitement, 'did you just see...?', 'was that...?', 'I can't believe...' But a 4 hour stint of rewinding and reliving the moment on our instore cctv camera prooved time and time again that we hadn't imagined the event to brighten up an otherwise dull and monotomous day in shopland - it had actually happened. Wow. Isn't it weird when you realise that potentially anyone that exists in the world today could walk into your life at any time and with this theory in mind there is no reason why Jake Gyllenhall won't be next to peruse our novelty mugs and pearl jewellery. I'm going to have to start brushing my hair for work again and with view of getting back into acting - reciting Brecht monologues loudly at staggered intervals just in case someone influential is listening.

2006-03-23T21:23:00.000Z

Dear LORD, how could this have passed me by?!!! It's fabulous! Google Idol. When I was about 10 this is totally the sort of thing I would have done had the internet been invented. My best friend at the time, Catherine and I would more or less do this in our bedrooms and lounges - put on little concerts where we would mime and dance to all the latest hits from the top ten in stupid costumes and to great comedy effect. often performing to audiences of family members and other friends who were no doubt in awe of our musical and comedy talents. Fner. I'm sure we'd have won Google Idol! Anyway, go check this out and marvel at how much contestants Kelly adn Pomme (who my brother claims reminds him of me and Catherine 17 years ago) absolutely RULE!!! then click on past competitions and check out Rebekah and Dave - legends in their own living room. Literally. Amazing stuff, I wish I was young again. Also - if Paul and Dave are reading this - I totally 100% think you should enter - you guys would win this!

2006-03-19T23:04:00.000Z

My latest internet addiction is online Boggle. For the past week I have been playing complete strangers who obviously spend their entire lives scanning dictionaries for 4 and 5 letter words and who beat me so badly I have lost before I have begun. So basically I want you guys to sign up and challenge me so I can at least be beaten by people who know me! Go to Joggle and sign up. Then search for me under players (my username is littlemanic1). I hope to play some of you guys soon and then after that, get a life.

2006-03-13T14:55:00.000Z

So, as of last Friday I have reached the grand old rock star death age of 27; the age that many prodigal troubled geniuses find it hard to live beyond. Some examples from the '27 Club' are: Kurt Cobain (Nirvana), Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison (The Doors), Kristen Pfaff (bass guitarist, Hole), Ron "Pigpen" McKernan (founding member of Grateful Dead)...As I recover from my hangover and pack away the birthday cards I can feel my own will to live waning. The desire to drive off a cliff or shot myself in the face, or inject large quantities of drugs into my veins is growing stronger by the day. Actually these feelings are no stronger than usual, I think I may actually survive the year. I guess this means I am not a prodigal genius....oh well. Having reached 27 and not actually done anything constructive with my life yet I have come to terms with this already.

To mark my birthday this year and possibly to prevent me from joining the 27 club, my brother gave me Pride and Prejudice on dvd and a tub of Clover margarine. This is not as dodgy as it sounds and has nothing to do with lubrication, it has entirely to do with the thing that made me laugh the most in 2005: last autumn, Will and I went to see Pride and Prejudice at the cinema and Will accidentily took a tub of margarine with him. That was the event of the year for me, it made me laugh so much I was almost removed from the auditorium for ruining the opening credits for everyone else. It may not sound like it would be funny but let me tell you, there is absolutely NOTHING funnier than someone producing a tub of margarine from their bag in a cinema at the beginning of a period drama instead of the bag of sweets they were expecting. Seriously, it was the funniest event of the last 12 months. Don't look at me like that, it's been a depressing 12 months.

To everyone who forgot my birthday, I expect pots of marg in the post asap by way of an apology.

2006-02-20T19:14:00.000Z

I'm so happy that Jake Gyllenhaal won best supporting actor at last night's Baftas. God, I love that boy - he makes me want to be an actress again! He's so talented, so intelligent, so smiley and warm-seeming yet with a hint of darkness! He certainly is a beautiful and unique talent. A very natural actor who seems to work on some kind of perceptive instinct and understanding of human emotion often lacking in so many actors. I hope he continues to choose important, thoughtful roles that challenge and educate the world. If any of you haven't seen Brokeback Mountain yet, shame on you - get yourselves down to the nearest cinema immediately! The world is changing - be a part of it.

2006-02-14T21:10:00.000Z

Valentine's Day again. Today in the land of retail, loved-up people in a frenzy of last-minute madness bought all the shit cards we had left and frantically tried to decide between the chocolate nipples and the chocolate willies. The manager of a restaurant around the corner who is sleazy beyond words, bought a card that says 'good in bed' on it, winked at me and told me to have a good night . I thought, any night without him winking at me would be a great night. Some poor person, ie: the recipient of the card, is not going to be so lucky. My last customer of the day was a lady on the phone, irrate because she thought we'd over-charged her for a card - she demanded we refund the two pounds and money for parking and petrol to come get the two pounds. And I was thinking, 'where is the love, people? Where is the goddamn love?' Obviously whoever she was buying the card for was not worth an extra two pounds. Happy Valentine's Day, Madam - do call again soon. At least she has someone to be overcharged whilst buying a card for - you can't put a price on that. After work I made my solitary way back through the evening streets - couples setting out for their romantic meals push me off the pavement into the road, smelling of perfume and freshly washed hair, single red roses in hands, excitement in eyes. On the bus I have to stand, a woman with a heart-shaped helium balloon was unaware that it was hitting me in the face everytime the bus bounced slightly. And so it is, over for another year. Thank God.

2006-02-08T15:37:00.000Z

Love is a gay Flamingo

The cockles of my cold, dead heart were warmed today when I heard about the enduring love story of Carlos and Fernando - Slimbridge's first gay Flamingo couple! The two male Flamingos have apparently been together for 5 years and have raised 3 chicks between them. Apparently the other Flamingos around them have completely accepted them and don't question their right to be parents, call them names or graffeti their nest with homophobic slogans. This is probably because animals are more intelligent than humans. You can read more about the happy couple at Pink News. Aw.

2006-01-30T20:05:00.000Z

OK, MSCL fans - prepare yourself. This is Jared Leto. No, not Daniel Beddingfield and Elton John's lovechild after a meal of 18 pies, 42 crispy creams and a small hippo, Jared Leto. Beautiful, delicious, sex symbol, teen dream, Jared Leto. Fat for his new movie role as Mark Chapman, John lennon's killer in Chapter 27. What? Crying? Me?...I just have something in my eye...

2006-01-29T22:39:00.000Z

Today’s topic is what to do if you are, like me - a shop assistant and the world seems to think you will put up with anything and any kind of treatment because the customer is always right. Well as I'm sure you will know by now, in my opinion the customer is very rarely right. In fact - they are barely developed human beings with social skills and morals and I have had to put up with them and their annoying ways for far too long (we're talking years here, best not state how many or I will lose my high somewhat). Today, I made a stand for mistreated shop assistants everywhere and told a customer to simply just fuck off. It was one of the most cathartic experiences I have had in a long time. It was more up-lifting than most therapy I've had and the equivalent to a 30 minute jog or a Terry's Chocolate Orange in mood-liftance. I feel so much lighter now. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I have asked my brother to come and visit me at work tomorrow and pretend to be an annoying customer just so that I can tell him to fuck off and have the experience all over again. So anyway, back to today....

Imagine the scenario, I am a young female shop assistant minding my own business, looking around my shop for signs of customers in distress when I spy a man in his fifties staring at me in the kind of way people do when they want to get a shop assistant's attention but have lost the ability to speak and simply say 'excuse me, can you help me?' (This happens all the time, it is one of my major retail gripes - after all, when you sign up for the job no one offers you mind-reading and eyes-in-the-back-of-your-head training, but I digress) So I smile at this staring man and say, 'hi, can I help at all?' to which I am surprised to find that said customer does not need help, he needs to make the fatal error of joking, 'no thanks, I'm happily married!' OH NO! BIG MISTAKE, MATEY! BIG MISTAKE! I was not offering you sexual favours, I am not a prostitute, this isn't that porno you were watching last night after your wife went to bed early, you should be so GODDAMN lucky. RED LIGHT! WARNING! I am not amused, I am so far from amused, amused is a dot to me. Although for some reason, a girl next to him is, she is laughing - she has no respect for her sisterhood and should be shot. Upon my failure to die laughing, said gentlemen says to laughing girl 'oh at least someone around here has a sense of humour!'

In my brain, you could hear a pin drop. It's one thing for some disgusting old man to joke that I was offering to have sex with him on a Sunday afternoon in the middle of a gift shop but it's quite another for someone to attack the only thing I have - my sense of humour - which as you all know is bloody fantastic. I literally could win awards for it, I can see the funny side of many a thing. So needless to say I saw red. It wasn't pretty - I said a few things about appropriate jokes between men and women, young and old, sexism, sexual harassment, offensiveness, I may even have used the word ‘saucy’ which I never normally do, I don’t recall, the only bit I remember is finishing with 'Fuck you' and walking away with Mexican waves and rounds of applause from adoring fans and supporters in my head. That was the best part, that was the climax of many years of customers and their pathetic jokes you are obliged to laugh at out of some strange unspoken etiquette between customer and shop worker that says, 'the customer is not just always right, they are also hilarious, intelligent, interesting and have great views on things like race relations, animal rights, immigrants, sexual politics and the death penalty that you totally agree with' well no fucking more.

Only last week 3 ladies from London were in the shop complaining to me that you can't park anywhere in the city close to the restaurants and shops which is so frustrating, every time they come to Oxford they can't park etc etc. This is because oxford is massively congested and polluted and is attempting to be green by enticing people away from driving into the centre. I suggested the park and ride which is convenient, cheap and green and they poo-pooed it, cos like, they didn't know where the bus stops were! It's only a matter of asking ladies, I’m right here, a fountain of knowledge - in front of you - just hit me with the questions, come on - do it! Then they started talking about how the Japanese kill whales and isn't it terrible and they have funny ways over there, very much like those Hindu people who don't hold the door open for women and the Chinese who...and they looked at me as if I was supposed to agree with them and their racist generalisations and misunderstanding of other cultures....what am I? Brain dead to the point of agreeing with whoever speaks the loudest and most convincingly?!

Also, don't get me started on the woman complaining that the animal rights protestors were blocking the centre of town again so she couldn't get to Marks and Spencers and don‘t they have any consideration for the elderly?!

I hate people sometimes. But I got a moral victory today so I must sleep well in the knowledge that I have done my bit for stopping pervy old men in their tracks.

2006-01-17T20:32:00.000Z

A few years ago I read a book called Don't Sleep With Your Drummer by American author Jen Sincero, I think I even wrote a post about it on here telling you all to read it. The book tells the hilarious story of one woman's last ditch attempt at being a rock goddess by starting a band in her late twenties. It's so bloody funny I felt the desire to tell the world about it, especially since having been in bands myself, I found her account of the experience completely spot on. So, I wrote some worshipping review on Amazon.co.uk which I forgot about until I read that she'd published another book on my second favourite subject called The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks. This book is a literal handbook on all things girl on girl for anyone considering it. Again, you will need to wear some kind of adult nappy whilst reading this book as Sincero writes with such humour and sass that you may lose control of your bladder a few times. It's a pleasure for someone to write in such a refreshing way about the lack of need for sexuality labels in modern life - after all, we girls are bloody lucky, it's so much less of a personal disaster for us to dabble in homosexuality. No really, it is - get over it - you know you all want to. So anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I decided to go to look at the official Jen Sincero website for the first time last night, don't know why it took me so long but hey - look what I found on the book review page - me! Lil old me - she has read my words and wants others to aswell! It's a joyous moment in Katyland - up there with the summer I wrote 5 whole reviews for an independent music magazine and single-handedly had a hand in it's bankruptcy and eventual fold! Horah! Go see for yourself kittens, your favourite sometimes photographer sadnessmonger, destined for a life in retail is now a published reviewer! Jen Sincero. la la la la la!

2006-01-16T22:35:00.000Z

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in my teenage years indefinitely, perhaps no one ever lets go of those feelings and experiences completely. You hear people say how great it is to leave behind the insecurities of youth and to finally be comfortable in your skin and sure of yourself and your direction in life - oh how great it is to be an adult and not have to worry about any of that shit ever again! I hear these people say these things and I think 'YOU LIE, SIR!' (I even think this when it is a woman who says it). Perhaps it's just me being massively unlucky - perhaps I am literally the only person approaching 30 who is still mentally insecure and prone to self-doubt but somehow I think not. I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in life and I still find myself going 'what?!!!!!!!' on regular occasions when life really doesn't make any logical sense and people are strange - I still feel like the ugly one that gets over-looked at parties, except the party is the whole world everyday and I probably wasn't even invited. Adulthood, if you ask me, is massively over-rated. Where is the fun? The love? The excitement? The hope for better things in the future? And for these reasons My So-Called Life is still the best thing I ever saw on tv. I still feel like I can completely identify with the emotions and experiences the teenagers in the show went through, even now. Do we ever get rid of those teenage demons? Perhaps they are actually just life demons? Maybe it's a slower process for everyone. Maybe I’ll get there one day.

My So-Called Life is still, in my mind the most beautifully correct representation of teenage experience I have ever seen. I am having a resurgence of love for it at the moment, thanks to talking to my friend Paull about how much we loved the show when we were teenagers in the mid nineties. Having borrowed the dvd box set from me recently, Paull has written a piece on his blog about the impact of the show on him, and I think if I were to write about the impact it had on me I would probably write more or less the same thing. As I know many of you loved MSCL as much as me I thought you might like to read it too Paull’s MSCL article.

And to any fans that didn’t know - it seems that the wonderful A.J.Langer who played Rayanne on the show, got married in 2004 to an English Lord! Bizarre. Other cast news - the incredibly sexy and talented Claire Danes is about to star in Shop Girl, a film based on the novella by Steve Martin - it opens on January 20th in this country - I read the book recently and it was amazingly perceptive and well-written. Go and see the film, it's surely going to be powerfully acted, moving stuff.

2006-01-09T16:42:00.000Z

You Are... The Jesus And Mary Chain.

You are moody and unpredictable. You are the
underdog who refuses to sink to the bottom. You
have more talent than you ever really let
anyone know. It almost seems as if you try and
sabotage whatever good things may be going on
in your life, and you often feel like you may
be giving people a bit too much of yourself.
Being in the spotlight is something you find to
be rather uncomfortable though you secretly
yearn to be loved by everyone. You lean toward
things of a darker nature and are prone to self
destructive tendencies. You struggle with
happiness for the simple fact that you seem to
be in love with your misery. You are a realist.

what Creation Records band are you? (complete with text and images)
brought to you by Quizilla

2006-01-09T16:36:00.000Z

Hey, look - it's official! What did everyone else get on this?

You scored as Goth. You're A Goth!

Goth

90%

Emo

65%

Rocker, Mosher

60%

Skater

35%

Prepy

20%

Trendy

15%

Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev

What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.t
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-01-01T17:15:00.000Z

Happy New Year, Dream Kittens Everywhere!

Last night I went to a party where a huge fireball from an over-petrolled bonfire almost wiped out most of the guests. I then became obsessed with the fact that no one was calling or texting me at midnight to say happy new year so I texted nearly everyone I could think of in an attempt to remind people I am here, it didn't work - so I fell asleep feeling unloved. The first thing I heard when I woke up this morning was a selection of drunken answer phone messages from the early hours from my photography buddies Kathryn and Mark telling me that they loved me, that they really loved me, that they loved me so much which made up for the lack of messages from loved ones the night before until these declarations were followed by apologies for not inviting me out on the great night they were having, but that they really loved me. Oh well. I want to do great things with this year, my new years resolutions are to have more friends that text me at midnight on new years eve, take more photos, to do an exhibition, to start singing again, to train for a new skill so that I can achieve the last resolution, that old classic - to leave retail. This last one probably won't happen. Whatever, the most important thing of all is to try and be happy.

I hope you all started the year in a positive and joyful way and that you too have great plans for the new year. Lots of love, Katy x

2005-12-05T22:21:00.000Z

Well it's all go and excitement in Christmas retail land and by that I mean: SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME SAVE ME PLEASE GOD SAVE ME.

Today a lady came up to the counter with one of our world music cds, she said, 'I don't know much about cds, I have only seen one in my life - can you just confirm that the cd inside this packet is going to be round and not square?' It's good to know that in this modern world there still exist people completely untouched by it all. These people are a dying breed who make their own soup from scratch and pass the time on public holidays by talking to their loved ones.

If any of you guys are on myspace, firstly pop up and say hello to me but secondly you have to go and ask this guy to be your friend - he absolutely rules! He's called the Happy Goth and his music is amazing. I thought that Will's friend Mark was the only happy goth but he obvioulsy is now part of a whole insurgance! Horah.

2005-11-25T17:04:00.000Z

Hell oh, I am feeling like death but staggering onwards as usual, have a bizarre flu-like condition. It is neither flu which is very extreme and can kill you and it is neither a cold which is what men call flu - it is somewhere in between, i won't bore you with the symptoms but I have so little energy that when I had to drive to the doctors today to pick up an inhaler for my asthma I started to cry at the prospect of leaving the house so perhaps I am having a nervous breakdown. Oh well.

Just wanted to say thanks to those of you who left messages to say you still read this blog, much appriciated. Most of the reason I have abandoned this blog for such a long time was cos I couldn't think of anything funny that had happened in a really long time and that used to be the basis of this blog - funny events in retail land. So I started another one, a creative writing type blog anonymously with a friend. In that one I don't have to be funny and can just write about things which aren't funny like just about everything. But I feel guilty, like telling you I am having an affair or something. Weird. I'm sorry, it's not you - it's me. I still love you guys, you were my first and for that will always hold a special place in my cold, cold heart. Anyway, this isn't the end for SKC. I am carrying on, so stop your crying.

Did everyone enjoy the new HIM video I put on here to keep you company whilst I was away - I had to take it off today cos in my absense somethign weird had happened and it had multiplied on the page so when you opened the blog you hear about 4 versions simultaniously and it was a bit trippy! Hope no one was scared, I mean other than of Ville's new uncool hair...

Hot musical tip of the month: I went to go and see a band called iForward Russia! last week - they were amazing - I completely reccomend you go see them if they play near you which they probably are - lots of lovely loud chaos and guitars, female drummer, singer with Rod Stewart's hair, shouting - what more could you ask for? Check them out at their official website.

2005-10-09T20:02:00.000+01:00

Sigh. I have come to the conclusion that this blog sucks and no one reads it anymore. I don't really know what to do about this but I would like to apologise to anyone affected by how pants this blog is and have decided that I am going to lay low for a while until something actually happens to me and I regain a personality and/or the will to live.

2005-09-26T14:34:00.000+01:00

Well something has happened to my stamina and motivation recently (i.e. I don't have any). Something has also happened to my desire not to be a drunken fool. On Saturday I lasted a whooping 2 hours at my childhood best friend's wedding before I had to be taken home in floods of tears after it all got a bit too much. Seeing as my CHBF hadn't seen me for 3 years, this probably wasn't the best reunion we could have had as now she must think that I am a manic-depressive alcoholic. Oh well, at least we still know each other as well as we used to. Anyway, after this fine performance you'd have thought I would want to do something positive for my future life but instead I have just dropped out of the HNC Photography course I started 2 weeks ago. Nice work. I have my reasons but they all basically can be summerised in the phrase, 'I just can't be arsed'. So now what do I do....?

I get a new cat, that's what! She's 18 months old, a tortoise shell like my last cat and is currently behind the sofa getting aquainted with our skirting board. I hope she comes out soon as I have only had her for about 2 hours and still can't really tell what she looks like - all I can see are two eyes twinkling out from the darkness.

2005-08-22T21:44:00.000+01:00

Apparently Ville Valo has become engaged to his long-term girlfriend. Why does everyone leave me? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY OH WHY GOD?!!!! And I'm over it. It's so much easier to get over things these days, my getting-over-it muscles have been trained to the max! It's true, I have actually noticed that a lifetime of having to get over stuff has finely-tuned my getting-over-things proceedure so it's becoming more and more efficient to the point where one day I hope to be like those adverts for some telephone company that involces people having 3 second conversations...it will go something like (ponders definite future events...)

doctor: 'Well Miss Ross, I am really pleased that you have FINALLY found someone to love you and that you have also managed to sort out all your various issues and mental health problems and learned to accept yourself for who you are and can now function like a normal human being and have paid off all the therapy costs but I regret to inform you that despite modern medicine being quite advanced, 96 is still too old to have children'
me: 'oh well, nevermind'.

I wonder if they (VV and future wife) need a wedding photographer....Speaking of wedding photography, S and me have been doing a shed-load recently and I wish I could share some of the pics with you but I don't really fancy my chances of getting the couples permission to have their images on a website called Satan's Kitten Club, no matter how innocent and not to do with Satanism this site is. Have you noticed that I have changed the name this week? This is because I have been dreaming of kittens and cats a lot recently. Last week I went to the Blue Cross to see what was on offer, god it was depressing. All the cats had cat flu and were coughing and sneezing, plus they were mostly old cats and no one wants old cats in case they die, and they were playing really depressing classical music in to the cattery. One cat was definitely crying. And so was I but then, of course, I got over it.

2005-08-01T20:30:00.000+01:00

My new favourite band - The Towers of London. Mullets, tight denim, cock rock poses, near death experiences on amp stacks...excellent

2005-08-01T20:28:00.000+01:00

The Towers of London (or is it Spinal Tap?)

2005-08-01T20:26:00.001+01:00

Sikth coughing up a furball

2005-08-01T20:26:00.000+01:00

Reuben

2005-08-01T20:25:00.000+01:00

Piney Gir

2005-08-01T20:24:00.000+01:00

The Magic Numbers - they're so happy

2005-08-01T20:23:00.000+01:00

Hondo Maclean

2005-07-31T21:05:00.000+01:00

Hello, sorry I've been out of action for so long. I'm sure you're all devastated....I hope that this first installment of Truck Festival photos makes up for my absence! They go over to the next page so don't forget to click on the most recent archives link on the left of the page for more! Enjoy! (stay tuned for some amazing cock rock phtots and much much more tomorrow!!!) xxx

2005-07-31T21:04:00.000+01:00

The Sha La Las, Piney Gir

2005-07-31T21:03:00.000+01:00

The Sha La Las

2005-07-31T21:02:00.000+01:00

The Sha La Las bassist gives Courtney Love fans a shock

2005-07-31T21:01:00.000+01:00

The Raveonettes get through to the final round of the Jo Whiley lookalikes competition

2005-07-31T21:00:00.000+01:00

The Raveonettes get through to the final round of the Lou Reed lookalikes competition

2005-07-31T20:59:00.000+01:00

Motormark visit the dentist

2005-07-31T20:57:00.000+01:00

MC Lars forgets the words to Rapbeth...

2005-07-31T20:56:00.000+01:00

Robin Goldrush realising the look had already been done by Nicky Wire years earlier....

2005-07-31T20:55:00.000+01:00

Main stage

2005-07-31T20:54:00.000+01:00

This crowd is bananas - b, a, n, a, n, a, s....

2005-07-31T20:52:00.000+01:00

Biffy Clyro

2005-07-31T20:50:00.000+01:00

Biffy Clyro, Truck Festival 2005

2005-07-01T22:57:00.000+01:00

What a sodding anti-climax finishing my course was. Went in to get my results from my tutor who had given me a time to meet him and get them only to find him not in his office and no where to be found in college, after waiting for the best part of an hour I realised that I had been stood up. Word got round that he had gone to the pub or something. This just about sums up our whole 'relationship', he doesn't give a shit about me and I have been waiting for this to change for the entire year, it never has. Oh well, I guess I should be used to this by now, it bears an uncanny resemblance to most of my romantic relationships too. So anyway, there I was sat in a dark corridor waiting for some stupid man I have zero respect for to tell me my worth, so to speak - to give me grades on my general right to be exist and be on the planet attempting to have a life (too dramatic? it's not) and along comes a woman to save me from my misery, another tutor with a key to his office! Horah! Taking the power back! There's a message in there somewhere. anyway so we break in and find the results....and what, you probably don't cry, are they?! Lets just say, my tutor does not think I will be giving Mario Testino a run for his money at any point in the near future. On account of the print quality of the prints I printed on the same professional printer we have at college that he reccomended to us and looked at last week and said were fine. I give up. Why did I bother with this course? All it has done is reinforce all my insecurities about ever being good at anything or having a career or a life outside of retail. Oh joy. Plus I made friends with a psychopath who almost killed me (I have to stop befriending these people just because I am a little on the insane side myself) fell in love with a teenage girl and used up far too much of the world's resourses in paper by being the shittest person ever to ever gain access to a darkroom and attempt to use it. Ever.

So I am feeling a little flat and not just because I am only an A cup in bra size, although this doesn't help when trying to boost my own confidence. Just because today I went back to work in my shop and nothing has changed, I'm the same as I was this time last year, my life is no different. I will probably just be a shop assistant forever. What's the point in doing things to better yourself, no one really shares in your achievements or really acknowledges them, do they? Unless you like, win an Oscar or organise the biggest concert ever staged, you know - who cares? But for the record because no one else may realise, completing this course without killing myself has been my equivalent to organising Live 8. I would pat myself on the back but since giving up yoga cos it didn't make me thin, I'm not that flexible.

And to rub salt into my wounds, I am photographing a wedding in Swindon tomorrow. Swindon. SWINDON! My life should not be like this.

2005-06-23T17:38:00.000+01:00

Ok, so this Weezer video may be the cutest video EVER. Kittens, puppies, monkies, baby bears - STOP! Too much! *Explodes from cuteness* the song's a bit dull but they've more than made up for it with the video. However, it is summer so we should be listening to summery music. Which I don't own. All my favourite music was made in the darkness of some Scandinavian country or in a basement whilst the songwriter planned their own death, or something.

Sorry to anyone who I may lost contact with over the last few weeks, I have been working like a mad crazy slightly lazy leaving everything to the last minute fool, getting my final work done for college. Almost over. Although I am slightly annoyed that if I'd just hung on and waited to do the course till this year then I would have completely missed my horrendous tutor who has made my life a misery, he just told us this week that he is leaving. Dammit. Oh well, everything happens for a reason some say if I'd joined this September I would not have made friends with my lovely friend M 'if I was straight I would have you in a second', just what every girl needs: a gay friend who wishes he was straight. Balances nicely with my straight best friend who wishes she was gay R, who regularly tries to have sex with me just to see and then there's me somewhere in the middle - I don't really mind what I am. Some weeks it's less clear than others. And this leads me onto S, if I had started this course this year I would never have met S. Thank God I did, there are some people we miss that we really need to meet, like sliding doors and ships that pass in the night. We have no idea when someone life-changing or amazing is passing us by. We are oblivious, we should all be in a constant state of mourning cos it probably happens everyday, the guy sat next to you on the crowded bus - he could be your guru! Talk to him! But back to S, I met her and I am v happy for that cos now I know. And K, if I hadn't have met K I would not have had a model for my final exhibtion piece on the naked body. She did a grand job, an absolute star - gorgeous and relaxed and willing to experiment. I enjoyed ruining her relationship with her vibrator for her by using it as a back scratcher/ear tickler when she was trying to pose. I'm sure she will never look at it in the same way again. Maybe with one eye closed.

My final exhibtion went really well, they had to put up special signs for my pieces to warn people they may be offended, M said that at the beginning of the opening night flocks of teenage boys charged into the exhibition, anteni out searching for the naked ladies. I'm sure he was exaggerating. Still, it's a nice image. I will always remember my friend L marching in as I was talking to my horrible tutor, yelling across a crowded exhibition space, 'Katy! I want to see your vagina NOW!' My tutor just smirked, I could hear him thinking, 'bloody lesbians'. I don't mean to but I am such a stereotype around him, always talking about feminism, female musicians, and only photographing women for my projects! I expect he thinks he has me sussed. Little does he know...

Hello to Phill Hux, in a field somewhere at Glastonbury! I hope you get to the John Peel tent and pay hommage to the great man's memory by rocking out to whatever it is the kids are into these days. I really have no idea.

2005-06-13T21:29:00.000+01:00

Hello minions. Long time no suicidal rant. I am in the throws of very last minute printing and mounting for my final exhibion of my photography course. The big event is this Friday, I'm sure you'd all go if you gave three shits about it. I don't think I do - as protest at how much I have not enjoyed my course or learnt anything of any value about photography I have taken several pictures of my friends vagina - the pics were taken in the course of a morning with minimum consideration to lighting and style and with no consideration for meaning or message. Utter minge just seems to sum up my feelings at this time about this course. I hope I never have to go back to the place again after 30th June this year. There have been some positives about the experience though - I have made some lovely friends and strengthened my immune system no end by drinking peppermint tea regularly in the most unhygienic cafeteria known to man. I am sure I will think of some more positives soon but now I must get back to my beaver printing.

Oh I have to say thank you to Bella for the fab Tori Amos t shirt!!! Thanks babe - you're a gem! I'm so jealous you got to see both Tori Amos and Tom Mcrae on the same night. I hope you enjoyed it.

I also have to say well done to Anna who got a 2:1 for her degree today - you're a star! Can't believe it's only been 4 years since my degree ended - feels like another time and another land and another person. Maybe it was - I have no evidence of it now apart from the fantastic DMU alumni catalogue I received last week, what a joy that is to receive. Not at all a waste of the worlds resources....it's like a yearly reminder that the degree I earnt there has done nothing to help my life move forward in anyway. Thanks!

2005-05-30T16:17:00.000+01:00

about as pleasurable as rubbing an elbow

Sooooooooooo, what did everyone do this weekend? I photographed a wedding in a forest, worked in my shop and went to a total of 2 parties (ooo, get me, party animal) but this was nothing compared to what the good people of San Francisco were up to! On Sunday, the city with the most famous suicide point in America were host to a Self-Pleasure Marathon!! Yes indeed, you are understanding this correctly - a big old wankathon. Congratulations America you really are something, sometimes. Read this article and ponder at why the biggest tosser in America (and maybe the world) Mr George. W. Bush (we all know what the 'W' really stands for...) wasn't taking part.

2005-05-22T22:53:00.000+01:00

This is a quiz completely based around animals (which attracted me obviously, can't resist the old - 'if there was only one animal in the world you could save which would it be?' type questions!) that gives you the keys to your heart (apparently) here's what it said for me....just incase anyone was at all interested. Which, you know, I'm sure no one actually is...*sigh*

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to obedience and warmth.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2005-05-19T11:20:00.000+01:00

Hello photography fans - I need some male and female nudes for a photography project. To be photographed sometime in the next 3 weeks in your own environment or a setting of your choice. Nothing saucy, just artistic and unusual. Your identity can be concealed. Anyone interested please email me at ytakssor@yahoo.co.uk. You will get free copies of all pictures of yourself and my eternal gratitude. Thanks! Katy

2005-05-19T09:43:00.000+01:00

Nailbomb Cults were on Radio 1 on Tuesday night! First track of the night advertising Mega-Bas Robo Orgy, to listen to the show again go to http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/onemusic/huw/.

If you like what you hear then come to the Kiss Bar on Park End street in Oxford tonight! The Nailbomb Cults are supporting Sunnyvale Noise Sub Element and friends. Doors 8.30, £4. The Nailbombs are second on the bill.

2005-05-13T12:13:00.000+01:00

Here's that exciting Nailbomb Cults news I promised you ages ago! The Nailbombs will be appearing on Here's My Card Record's latest release, a compilation of 8 tracks by 8 artists in 5 minutes (on their trademark credit card-shaped cds) and it's availble now!

The cd features Shitmat, Cutting pink With Knives, Ladyscraper, Sharon Smith Quartet, nwodtleM, Hot Roddy, Vinyl Vandal and of course, the Nailbomb Cults.

'Board Meeting'represents some of the most exciting, harsh, yet fun sounds from
the underbelly of the burgeoning uk experimental breakcore and noise scenes. The cd costs a mere £2.50 inc uk postage, and can be ordered via Paypal direct from the Here's My Card Records Uk website - see links below.

The Nailbomb Cults are also playing at Mega-Bass Robo Orgy at the Electrowerkz in London on Friday 3rd June. It's 10pm-6am, with Remarc and Exile headlining the two main rooms. Come down if you can, it should be a great night!

If you can't wait until the London gig, then panic ye not as you can catch The Nailbombs next Thursday night in Oxford - more details to follow shortly. Just keep your night free now!

Nailbomb Cults
Here's My Card Records
Mega-Bass Robo Orgy

2005-05-05T20:46:00.000+01:00

So I hope everyone went to vote today. If the Tories get in I shall leave the country. Thinking about it though, if this happens and I actually leave the country, I will be so grateful to the Tories for curing me of my agoraphobia that I will probably vote for them the next time round. hmmmmmm. They'd better bloody not get in, is all I can say.

2005-05-02T19:48:00.000+01:00

Hey, it's time for a party political broadcast from the Emotionally Fragile and Extrememly Confused party. My broadcast is HELP! I thought I knew who I was going to vote for, now I'm not so sure, but here's what apparently I should be voting for based on my views....

Who should I vote for? v2

Your expected outcome:

Liberal Democrat

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 15
Conservative -53
	Liberal Democrat 127
UKIP -28
	Green 131

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against. The Greens are also anti-Europe.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Unfortunately due to the colouring of my weblog you can't make out the party names above - the results are 15 Labour, -53 Conservative, 127 Lib Dem, -28 Ukip and coming out top, 131 Green. It's a close one! My confusion lies mainly in whether we should be part of Europe or not. What does everyone else think? I think I understand the concerns about free trade held by some parties including the Green Party. However, we already get most of our food produce from other countries at huge costs to the environment and local businesses, we already get most of our clothes made for us in sweatshops by exploited people in poorer countries - how is this Europe thing going to make this worse? I feel I need to understand this before I decide who to vote for.

Also, should we believe the hype? Should we believe Tony Blair when he tells us that a vote for any other party than Labour is a vote for Michael Howard? Is this a desperate man on a losing battle trying to scare us Lefty's into giving our Lib Dem or Green vote to Labour? Or is this the truth?

There is one thing I do believe though, that voting is important, even if the Conservatives do get in (which, don't get me wrong, would be a fucking disaster) my vote for an alternative party will have secured someone in parliament to disagree with everything the government is trying to pass! This is why I try to encourage people I know to vote cos, there seem to be so many great people out there that don't vote cos they think that Labour or Conservative will get in so what's the point. I think there is always a point, even if there is no party out there that shares all your exact beliefs, go for the nearest one and when they get in - lobby them with the views you think they should have! Simplistic view I know, but positivity will get you everywhere. If you can't believe in democracy, what can you believe in?

2005-04-29T19:28:00.000+01:00

I'm so fucking disturbed. But onto what's actually new in the world - no actually there is a reason today, actaully there's many reasons but mainly, I'm disturbed because my beautiful husband has butchered his hair off! In an act of cruelty not seen since someone advised Jordan she had a good voice and should enter the eurovision song contest, he has chopped the whole lot off and I'm not sure if I love him anymore. He looks bloody awful. And I can say that because we have been married for over 2 years now and I'm sure he doesn't fancy me anymore either. Ville - what have you done?! Sob.

Last night I went to see S drum for the lovely RW and it was fab - very emotional. Although, the lovely RW has a really disturbing beard - what's up with these usually beautiful men? Why are they trying to repel me?

This week I thought someone was dead, I had this really strong feeling. Then it turned out they weren't, which was obviously good, I just wish I hadn't posted the obituary in the paper and started the funeral arrangements. A bit embarrassing but what can you do? When you're supposedly psychic (copyright some druid dude to me, at a psychic fayre in 1996) you have to trust your instincts. Turns out my instincts are drowning under my disaster mentality and insecurity about being left by everyone at anytime.

S and I have loads of weddings booked for this summer - I was fully expecting to be sacked when i told the owner of my shop how many weekends I couldn't work but I guess she must like me or something cos she didn't seem to mind. It's always surprising when you realise that people may actually want you around.

I am having acupuncture treatment at the moment to try and fix all my many ailments. At my last session my acupuncturist told me that I had a broken heart and that something called my heart protector meridian was closed so tightly around my heart that nothing good could get in. She asked me why I thought this might be, I bet she regretted asking when I proceeded to sob like a fool for the rest of the hour. She may or may not have stuck needles in me, I don't remember. I do remember her saying that if my heart was fixed and my protector thingy opened then I would be able to be loved again (again?) I love how everything is always my fault - like there is a massive queue of people outside my house all desperately in love with me but I won't open the door or something. Believe me, there is nothing outside my house apart from my car, and next door's cat searching for mice in the hedge. It's not like on a film or something where the main character has a secret admirier that is always trying to catch their attention but they just don't notice. Believe me I would notice. It would be like, an event or whatever.

Although all jokes about dying alone aside, I got flowers and chocolate from a man yesterday - ooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooo. It was to thank me for some photos I did of him and his songwriter friend. But still - flowers and chocolates from A MAN! I think he's gay. But still CHOCOLATES AND FLOWERS FROM A MAN!!!!!!!!! The flowers are a bit limp and almost dead already but still, CHOC...you get the idea.

2005-04-24T19:39:00.000+01:00

I like to think that here at SKC, I am providing an important public service. So with this in mind, here is a lovely song about Llamas! Thanks to Anne for this.

2005-04-18T20:46:00.000+01:00

Ok, I'm starting a new thing here on SKC, it's similar to Phill's Publicity Shot of the Week thing he does over at danger! high postage. It's called 'Comedy Band Picture Of The Week', inspired by this band, Operation Winter Mist found in the latest edition of Terrorizer magazine. Actually, this may not become a thing - I may only do this once, but once may be enough - I mean, look at the guy in the helmet! Oh my aching sides. Feel free to suggest a caption, if one occurs to you.

2005-04-12T14:57:00.000+01:00

Phill has got me addicted to internet Scrabble. Well actually, it's not his fault I got addicted, he was just the first person to beat me and it's become an obsession from there, trying to proove to myself I could win! Anyway, all hell broke out in Scrabbleland last night when Phill accused me of cheating on him with Paul. It was hard to deny because Phill had (online) walked in on us playing with each other. I tried to plead with him and say that I was only playing with Paul because Phill didn't always have time for me and that Paul was nothing compared to him but he could tell I was lying because he could read my messages to Paul saying how good his words were. Phill called me a Dirty Scrabble Whore but still decided to stay and watch the rest of our game (the perv). I had no idea Scrabble would be so fraught with emotion. I love it! And I finally won a game last night too, although Paul claims it as because he had a fever and couldn't concentrate. Hmmm, we'll see about that. If you'd like to come and join in the 'fun', then go to the Internet Scrabble Club and download the software. If you want to challenge me to a match my name is mrsvalo (what else?). What I am really waiting for however is for someone to pick the option from one of the drop down menus that states that they can 'finger mrsvalo'. Can hardly wait to see what that entails *grin*.

Anyway, I have to get back to editing photographs of a suicidal woman gazing into a river now but watch this space for exciting news about the Nailbomb Cults coming soon!!

2005-04-08T22:27:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I feel bad - there's been someone I haven't thought about for a long time but saw for the first time the other day and fuck, now he's on my mind again, and it's wrong cos as you know - I am married. But heck, what's a vulnerable, emotional type like me supposed to do? I can't help it, so I've given into my demons and here he is in full effect above. *sigh* Enjoy. (btw - at work yesterday Kate and I came up with a having sex with Jared Leto related cure for IBS, let it not be said that we work too hard...)

Other things that have been happening this week -
I became an internet Mrs Robinson without meaning to.
Whilst on a shoot with two singer/songwriters, I risked life and limb for my art by illegally trespassing on a railway line to get that perfect shot, seconds before a train hurtled along the same line.
I got the new Martha Wainwright album - it's fab.
I discovered the best thing to come out of Oxford since that stupid goth guy who was rejected from Pop Idol - they're called Out Of The Blue and they're a male voice choir who sing accapella versions of pop/rock tunes like Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Busted. They rock.
Also I helped Anna with her dissertation on epilepsy nursing even though I did an arts degree and know not what I'm talking about when it comes to medicine - I fear she may fail if she takes my advice but she is v appriciative so I don't like to have to crush her opinion of me as a genius.

2005-04-01T22:15:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I haven't done a kitten link in a while and Tracey was reminding me the other day about Mittens the Kitten who can smell your spicey brains so I thought it was about time we had another kitten link. This one is for Bella and Tracey (and anyone else who loves kittens in hats). You guys will love it. Fat Boy Slim - The Joker. I know it's been around for a while but wanted to make sure you'd seen it. The best bit is when the two main kittens fight the bouncer kitten to get into the gig. Enjoy.

2005-03-31T19:57:00.000+01:00

Hello boyo. Been back to the motherland today (South Wales) to hang out with the thousands of Welsh people I am related to but don't really know at my grandpa's funeral. I haven't been back to Wales (£4.80 to get in, nothing to cross the border back to England...hmmm) for about 10 years and in that time all the cousins and second cousins I remember being about 6, have all become actual people and have mostly all got married and had about 12 children each even though they are still only 16 or whatever. Anyway, my cousin took great joy in reminding me of the time when she worked with Nicky Wire's wife, Rachel and got me a signed Manic Street Preachers photograph cos I was a massive fan in 1994 or whenever it was. APPARENTLY I wrote back to thank her and included a letter for them which she bloody gave to them and in her words, 'was a bit creepy but mostly ok'! Thanks. Great. Wonderful. I was only like 15 at the time but I'm mighty embarrassed about it now, god - what did it say?! Shudders to think. Apparently, Nicky Wire lives in a mansion now (raised eyebrows all round) just around the corner. I didn't rush round, in case the letter was still fresh in his mind.

If you want to hear something wonderful, hop over to Phill's blog today and check out his 'for one day only' posting of the MC Lars interview 'audio version' which I recorded in the back of my car last summer at Truck. Phill is the one asking the questions, I am the one laughing next to the microphone and simpering a bit in Lars' presence and Squib is the one slagging off Goldrush at their own festival! Lars is such a cool, funny guy - I feel a brand new simper coming on....*simper*, as I kept saying to Phill last summer, 'I don't simply fancy him, I actually love him - what's up with that?!' . Enjoy. MC Lars interview

The best moments summed up are when MC Lars says to me, 'I've just made your car wet' and I say (simpering) 'don't worry about it!' (I am very understanding about these things, happens all the time) and also the part where I am for some reason, emploring him to 'do it, GROW!' right there and then in front of us. Whatever possessed me. And this was after the car wetting experience....

Speaking of Truck and also worth knowing - Biffy Clyro are headlining Truck this year. Wow.

2005-03-29T17:33:00.000+01:00

Really, what is the point? Answers on a bottle of vodka and some paracetamol to the usual address, please.

2005-03-29T17:20:00.000+01:00

I'm so tired. Help.

2005-03-20T20:48:00.000Z

Katie Jane Garside, Queen Adreena Oxford Zodiac 19th March 2005

2005-03-20T18:13:00.000Z

I went to see Queen Adreena again last night. Queen Adreena should be provided as part of the NHS mental health service, it's like having your soul excavated and scoured and wrung out and drip dryed and polished and revived. It's like being released. You leave drained but freer than when you went in. I love this band and this woman so much, I can truly understand why people pass out at their gigs and want to rip Katie Jane Garside's clothes off. I also love the way that as her more adoring fans do try to do this, she shakes them angrily away, only to go back for more a few seconds later. I love the way that by the end of the gig she appears to be lost in another world no one can ever reach, standing on a flimsy chair, she lets herself fall into the obsessive throng of love in front of her, lost from view but still screaming and singing perfectly. As security guards drag her back on stage, she collapses back into the mass again, almost in a swoon. We all strain to see if she is ok, but she is not ok and this is the point - this is what she does and how she survives. It's like the most abrasive therapy you can ever experience, a nervous breakdown each night on stage infront of strangers and yet she lives on. I love her courage and her madness which actually doesn't seem like madness really, it seems completely rational to me. Perhaps that's why I'm a follower. I guess we love her cos we'd all like to scream everytime we felt like it and just collapse on the floor when it all gets too much. As she spits wine onto the crowd and a girl in front of us faints, I realise that I am involuntarily dancing - an unheard of thing for me. This is a slightly tribal and primitive experience. I am usually more aware and self conscious. QA awaken the free spirit who wants to dance in me! Truly amazing. I've posted a couple of pics I took from the gig. I would write a proper formal review listing exactly what songs they played and what the support bands were like (Ivy's Itch great as always, but the other one - 3 boys with guitars, I forget their very dull name - why oh why oh why were they on the same line up? They were completely out of place in this context) but I think I've said all I want to say. Phill has some more pics and a review or two on his blog if you're interested. Queen Adreena in Nottingham.

2005-03-20T18:12:00.000Z

Katie Jane Garside, Queen Adreena Oxford Zodiac 19th March 2005

2005-03-20T17:27:00.000Z

Katie Jane Garside, Queen Adreena

2005-03-18T16:21:00.000Z

He loves me, he loves me not. Perhaps it's cos he has hayfever and these flowers aren't helping.

2005-03-18T16:20:00.000Z

A rather artistic pic my good friend Kathryn, nanny to the stars, took of me in the studio at college. In a slightly, early nineties Manics stylee - she wrote beautiful statements such as 'he loves me not' on my arms.

2005-03-13T19:55:00.000Z

Hello everyone. This week I turned 26 and as Phill very kindly pointed out on his blog, I am now officially too old for a Young Person's Railcard. I have never owned a YPRC. Having suffered from crippling agoraphobia for most of my young adult life, this has not really been an issue. Not much of an issue that is, until THE DAY AFTER MY 26TH BIRTHDAY WHEN I OVERCAME ALL MY MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS AND SUDDENLY HAD THE DESIRE TO TRAVEL EVERYWHERE!!!!!! What are the chances?! I couldn't belive my luck. It was typical. Oh well.

Anyway this didn't really happen. I wish it had but I'm lying for comedy (?) effect. But seriously, what am I going to do with my life? Really. My photography course ends in a few months and I seem to know even less about photography than I did when I started, which is impressive considering I knew BUGGER ALL in the first place. this is all down to my tutors who I can't thank (enough). Also I was reading an article abou being a freelance photographer the other day and it was all about the joys of working by yourself adn travelling the world and I suddenly realised that considering these are the two things I have real problems with I win the award for officially being the most ill-suited to a career ever and need to go and sit in a corner and think about what I've done. Plank.

So what do I want to do with my life? I know the answer, but I fear it may already be too late. instead of spelling it out myself, I have left it up to twisted Sister to explain. Enjoy the video. Don't be scared by the hair - it won't jump out of your computer screen and get you.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday or sent me an ecard or present - if you didn't do any of these things, I officially hate you. Goodbye.

2005-03-08T00:06:00.000Z

Hey, something I feel very strongly about is how we transport, treat and house animals farmed for meat in in this country. Lots of people are under the misguided impression that conditions in battery farms etc have improved in recent years - this is sadly not the case. When battery farming conditions started to be brought to our attention many people became vegetarian out of sheer horror at the way animals were abused and inhumanely kept and slaughtered, now - many of these same people have been feeling reassured and converted back to meat-eating because they believe these conditions not to be the case anymore. In this surprisingly spot-on remake of a classic Hollywood block buster - the truth about the situation as it stands now is highlighted. The fact that the spoof is of the The Matrix also brings me neatly to something else that I feel strongly about - that The Matrix was one of the most boring and meaningless films I have ever seen in my life! Only now, in this context does it have meaning. Enter The Meatrix! And discover how you could help to improve the situation.

2005-03-02T23:56:00.000Z

Wow, what can I say. Life. Who'd have thought it? Recently I have not been going to gigs I was going to go to, doing photoshoots of people's bruises and being shouted at by a German girl who has come to work with us to improve her english. I have taught her everything she needs to know 'goth', 'cheese', 'lesbian' and fuck off'. I was very moved when she managed to incorporate all these things in to telling me how she felt about me leaving her to cope on the tills by herself. But on to more important things. I stood in very close promiximity to ol Thom Yorke last week as he ordered a latte (large) from the sandwich bar opposite my shop. It was a bit embarrassing cos I'd just used the cash point after him (it was like we were touching) and was trying really hard not to look like I was stalking him. In a bid to act cool and not appear like I was looking at him in a 'I know you are a world famous rockstar' kinda way, I looked everywhere but him, infact the minutes I spent trying not to look felt like an eternity (they probably were an eternity, the people in this coffee place are bloody slow) and after what felt like hours I realised I had inadvertantly been staring directly at a disabled person outside for an inpolitically correct amount of time and was very embarrassed. Curse him and his beautiful music. One day I'll say something to him. 'Can you spare any change, please?' maybe....yes, fact fans I'm still poor. Although I did manage to scrounge some money out of my bosses for photography I did for their website.

At the moment I am rocking out to the beautiful punkpop tunes of Juliette and The Licks and reading 'Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now - My Difficult Student 80s' by Andrew Collins who has had a really boring, unremarkable life considering he has been one half of Radio One's Collins and Mconeys Hit Parade and now reviews films for the Radio Times (ok the last ones not so cool but hey!) my life is more interesting and I haven't done anything yet! WHo hands out these publishing deals anyway?!

2005-02-21T22:04:00.000Z

Appeal for models! I am in desperate need of a model or models for a photography project on beauty. If you wouldn't mind being photographed in an intimate way then I want to hear from you. I'm interested in people who don't consider themselves to be conventionally beautiful or have body parts/scars/birth marks that wouldn't be the usual focus for a photoshoot on beauty. I am doubtful that anyone will get back to me from this ad but it is worth a try as I have five weeks in which to do this project now and would appriciate help from anyone. For more info please leave me a message here.